Word of the day “empathy”

The ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, feel what they feel, see what they see, think what they think. There was a point in my life where I was blind to my empathy but now it seems to be an overwhelming sensation. It’s not that I did not feel for others but that I did not recognize it or acknowledge it.

Can empathy be a negative? It’s hard to imagine the capability of feeling for another human being as a negative part of yourself but at the times where it is overwhelming for myself I know that it is. When my empathy will guide me into a place knowing from the start there is only going to be pain to endure for myself it is no longer beneficial. I am not saying all empathy is bad actually the opposite that it is a necessity for human interaction yet for myself if not kept in check I will literally give you the shirt off my back.

I was a “bad boy” for years, let’s leave it at that as I don’t want to sounds like I’m boasting about that behaviour. Shortly after my mother passed my empathy hit me like a wall, suddenly I saw the damage I was causing to the people around me. You could even say before that point I was somewhat self centred on the verge of self righteous. I know deep in my heart I am not a bad person but even good people can do bad things when they find themselves on the wrong path in life.

Empathy showed me how my actions could affect other people in negative ways that during those times I had not previously recognized. From that recognition evolved the ability to expand those recognitions into the viewpoint of the grand scheme of things. I’m talking about removing myself from my physical body, looking down on myself as if I am god, just an ant in the colony but noticing how my particular actions effect the other ants around me. Ants follow scent trails for guidance so apply that to life, I am an ant laying a scent trail where ever I go undoubtably I will have some ants pickup my trail and follow. I find myself trying to redirect those same ants back on the correct path yet I have also lost my way.

I realize this is a little vague but that is intended to highlight my message rather then my past indiscretions. Since this discovery of empathy my journey has been of helping others how I can through support, friendship, understanding, guidance, and love. It literally took loosing a few of the people I care about most to realize how I could have done better by them, how I should have been from the start. I don’t necessarily blame myself for their deaths but I do believe I could have made a better impact on their lives had I recognized these things earlier.

I have done a lot in the name of empathy but let me focus on those I have lost for a moment and honour them by recognizing my own selflessness derived from this feeling that overwhelms me.

• My Mother Donna Cowley, by far the most selfless person I have ever known. She did everything for everyone especially those in need, she is the reason I now understand this feeling as the message she left behind in the memories of friends and family is of a pure giving soul. We lost touch shortly before the end and my feelings of letting down my own mother the most selfless person I have ever known haunt me yet also encourage me to continue in her footsteps.
• My Best Bud Tristan Watterworth, his battle with mental illness was the cornerstone for me acknowledging my own. Many of situations seemed synchronistic between us, just appearing in each other’s lives when we needed the other the most. I was there right till the end, after pushing much of his own family away I was the last one holding his life line. I still feel deeply for his loss but not in a self centred way rather from the point of view from his shoes. Understanding the battle he faced comes from the empathy that he was also helping me to concur just by being present with me on this bumpy road.
• The Misfit Ryan Hill, struggled with addiction and was his downfall. I spent many of months searching the streets for him, much time and money in attempt to help him right his life. He had 90 days clean at least before passing, one little slip off the wagon was all it took. With Ryan I realized the length I will go to help someone in need that I call friend, all past discretion’s no longer matter to me. I had everyone telling me he was a lost cause but I proved them all wrong in the name of empathy I could not help myself from trying. Inevitably it was a bad batch of drugs that took his life and I feel had that not happened with my support he would have recovered.
• Beautiful Lady Heather Jones, she was lined up to be a future employer of mine. Heather who is one of my best friends sisters was murdered by her son. One of the last times that me and Heather had spoken we came to the conclusion I would be a good driver for her taxi business. Looking back on this I now realize it was something I was doing for her because she was having a hard time keeping good employees. At the same time it was something for me because I enjoy driving yet I know deep down I would not of started studying had she not been interested in employing me.

With all those events happening with in the last couple years I find myself at a precipice where I need to either grow or I will fall again. All of my self growth has been an extension of my empathy so while at the same time I thank everyone that interacts with me for helping I also must keep myself in check because as the intensity of that sensation grows so does my desire for selflessness.

Thats it @d00k13 OUT

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